At a young age, we’re taught the basics. Don’t pull your sisters hair. Don’t chew with your mouth full. && share your crayons. As we grow, some of those lessons are learned, as others never quite catch on with people.
Until I had the opportunity to experience, what most girls experience in their late teens, in my late twenties, I find myself learning the most meaningful lessons through the eyes of my relationship. The everyday acts of kindness, consideration && decision-making are opening my eyes to who I am and what I truly value.
During my college years, I learned some of these lessons the hard way.
My nights of acting aloof to my surroundings was easy. It was easier to forget the way I felt or cared about the men I dated, problems I was having, and just have a good time, then to put effort into something ((anything)) that really didn’t mean anything to me. This attitude spread across to all areas in my life, including school and work. I had a full-time schedule with both classes and my job, but my effort was minimal. The passion for what I once cared about was lost, and in this window of time, I lost myself. I lost who I was and what I genuinely cared about. Life was easy, and the endless hours of spending it carelessly partying were taking a toll on any priories that should have superseded it. I found myself being taken advantage of by people, I would later learn, were enablers to my slowly spiraling out of control lifestyle. This fake happiness was allowing me to forget all that I had once believed in. The lessons I was once taught; those of responsibilities, maturity && consideration, faded away. As college graduation approached, I was blessed to have been able to actually graduate, by the skin of my teeth, && realized I had made this happen, and if anything was going to change, now was the time.
I cleaned my act up. I put myself first. I stopped dating men who were merely objects of affection to me. I began to do the things again, that once interested me, and dedicated time to putting things back on track. I was starting my first job post-graduation and felt the world was at my feet. I dived in, full of fear and anxiety, but the past 3 years, as stressful as they were, were my proudest. I developed a career && relationships, that many my age haven’t experienced yet. I traveled immensely, and took full advantage of everything I could. When I began dating again, I knew what I wanted. Maybe to a fault, but after what seems like countless hours of disappointment and disaster, my price charming came along.
The ironic part of my journey, is that he was part of my past, and weighed heavily on the issues I had with dating to begin with. I always compared everyone to him and how he made me feel, and yet, he was the one that I needed to distance myself from so that I could move on. My years of contemplation, came to a screeching halt when I gained the one thing I had been waiting for all these years from him.
Acceptance.
This lesson was formulated after years of personal blame, resentment, && my own ability to mature. That hit me harder than any lesson I could have ever learned on my own, and all my resentment has transitioned into gratitude. I would wait another 10 years, if I had to. He needed time, just as we all do in life, to take what we’ve learned, and hopefully apply it in a positive manner. He opened my eyes to the lessons that I once thought were lost, and I opened his to the ones he never knew he learned.
As we embark on this new road together, I have noticed that much to my happiness, he has shown me how to express myself, and that if I’m scared, he’s here to protect. If I’m nervous, he’s here to support. && If I have something to say, he’s here to listen. Just as I once found myself lost during my partying escapades, I realized that the art of being honest with yourself is crucial for both parties sake. If there is anyone I would ever want to be the most upfront and honest with, its surely him, but expressing yourself is hard. Being vulnerable with the person you love can be a scary encounter.
what if I offend them? Or they don’t view things the same?
As I fight off the negativity in my own head, the lesson becomes easier to learn when I accept it. Why should we have to struggle with something we don’t like? I hate being called kid. Its one of those “friend zone” phrases. I’m not quite sure why it bothers me so much, but it gives me a feeling of non-personal communication. I could be called babe, or love, or sweet thang, all of which always put a smile on my face. But kid? not so much.
Little things like that I have come to embrace. I don’t want to relive those years, when I wasn’t true to myself. Life’s lesson of acceptance and learning what it is I want are ever changing and growing. We don’t need to accept anything we don’t want to. I’ve learned that the hard way, but in any case am glad I did. Given, a small comment like that is instantly forgotten, its those small reminders that are what help open our eyes to what we value as important.
❤ Jackie
Young. Broke. & Fantabulous. 