In recent years, it has come to my attention that on average, many people, whether they believe it or not, are only out for themselves. Go figure, all of you Manhattanites-
Everyday is a hassle just to ride the subway, as people pack on like sardines in a can, just to get to work. I have had the pleasure myself of now experiencing this, as I have now become a “commuter” myself. Frustrating enough to wake up and give yourself an hour to get 7 miles, now I find myself vouching for elbow room just to change a song playing on my phone.
Being back in the ‘burbs, I realize the attitude I portrayed for years, is actually the one I now can’t stand. From smooshing onto a subway car, to now patiently waiting for the next, I realize I have found the old me.
For years, on my own, I had not a care in the world, and now, on the opposite end of the spectrum, my life revolves around the greatest love of my life, and the home we are building together. Those yester-years of selfish, demanding actions aren’t even thoughts of mine anymore.
I am finding a more considerate, patient, problem-solving inner-me. As any relationship isn’t perfect, I have been told during the occasional disagreement that I need to stand ground. Stop taking all the blame, and be affirmative in my opinions.
Nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel. Doesn’t mean your wrong or right, but it means you have a view-point. A view-point that other person may have never recognized.
Its funny how at one point in time, it seems all I had, was that hard-headed, “sorry-I’m-not-sorry” mentality, and now that I’ve matured to realize that isn’t really who I am, I’m being told to act accordingly because my actions are now the exact opposite.
Where do we find balance?
I have told myself that 2014 is the year to go after whatever it is I want. I think this may sound pretty naive to most, but if the ending of this past year has taught me anything, it’s that what you know, & what your comfortable in, can be changed in an heartbeat. My once steady job ended after a great new opportunity presented itself, and I learned I was starting from stratch all over again. My every day comfort zone was gone, and I needed to learn to re-build a new one. What I once prized as my “sex-in-the-city” lifestyle, complete with adorably furnished studio on the UWS to boot, is now no more than a ((very expensive)) box I once shared memories in and am ready to leave behind for bigger and better things. I accepted many financial detriments, and have since done what is necessary to fulfill them so I can actually appreciate what it is to work for a living.
I find humor in that thought of people who declare they are proud of their independence. In all honesty, it’s something I used to call myself, but its meaning gets misconstrued for adult.
One can be independent, yet have no understanding of what it means to be an adult.
I fell creature to this habit, yet have been able to recover and thankfully before it was too late.
With the idea of standing ground and taking an affirmative stance on things of value to me, is quite the empowering thought. Like many, I’m sure there are thoughts & feelings that are never spoken. I always have so many various thoughts running through my head, ranging from everyday tasks to superstar dreams, and blink my eyes realizing I never actually have spoken them aloud. The things I told myself I’d never do, or was naive to think would never happen to me, are the exact things that have caused a whirl-wind chain of events to happen in the past few months. If someone who have told me I’d be living with a boyfriend, I most likely would have laughed and then told them they’re crazy. Mental even.
But now I embrace those changes. I find myself smiling for what I have, and at those moments that I will always have to share as memories. Maybe that’s the balance I’m looking for-